Can you HEAR Me? Can you HEAR Me Now? When I think about this phase, part of our pop culture, I believe that it really needs some thought. Are you listening? More often I find that we do not listen to ourselves, our instincts, our hearts, we do not listen to our partners, or others. We do not listen. If we listen, it is sloppy, and we hear what we "think" we hear, not what is being said.
There is hearing and then there is listening! Most of us hear, but most of us hear sound rather than meaning. Listening is digesting the meaning along with the sound.
Many people I work with in Relationship Therapy have learned to filter out the meaning of things. They choose not to connect to, or be responsible for. That is a sad fact. In my life I also find the filters turn themselves off when they need to be on.
We are dealing once again, with emotions, feelings, and now we can add actions.
When we fall in love, begin a relationship, become excited, our Ego Boundaries fall. It is during that time when a connection happens. For some it happens in seconds, for others it takes more time, however, the person is still feeling and still is "Open". Ego
Boundaries are the very walls that protect us. Here, they have fallen away to allow someone close to us. At this time we are vulnerable. As human beings we are designed to pro-create. This is the beginning of that process.
Dick and Jane are at the local Dungeon. She has been watching him for several weeks, He most likely hasn't noticed her. If he has, he may feel restless and for the male it then becomes, (what I call) the how to. How do I get to meet her, to know her, gee she sure looks great! On her part she has butterflies darting in and out of her stomach, clammy hands, and her respiration is way up. Pheromones are pouring out of both parties. Signals going off everywhere. It will only take a short time for them to notice one another. Once they find themselves talking, they both listen with ease.
All the filters and boundaries are off. The communication flows back and forth and the Endorphins cascade over the brain, like Niagara Falls. This allows everyone to feel good. So we not only are hearing we are listening and most likely we will be listening with our hearts. (some of will be listening with our genitals.)
So what happens? Dick and Jane find that they are in love. They find that they are the perfect Master Slave combination, Slave Mistress combination. They plan, they talk for hours, they play, and revel in the pleasure that is created. The process that I am speaking of can go on for years, yet most surveys will indicate that it tappers as time progresses. What happens next is they begin to see the quirks and the quarks of one another. Jane says, "He won't listen to me." Dick becomes distant and angry.Ego Boundaries snap back in place and now Dick and Jane can not listen to one another. Feelings abound, become out of control, nobody can listen and even the silence is deafening. This is a time for redirection. Seeking out a third party, a counselor, a teacher, and someone who is neutral becomes necessary. Many of BDSM people do not seek help. The Master Commands the Slave is to obey. No help needed. If this was true, why is it that more BDSM relationships and even BDSM marriages end up in trouble and divorce than our vanilla counterparts?
There is many forms of listening and cuing to watch and to work with. One of is body language. Watch how your partners body tenses and relaxes. Facial expressions. learn how to read your partners facial expressions. Learn to read fear, stress, shock, pain, love, satisfaction and calm on your partners face. Non verbal cuing. Watch for body motions, tensing, curling up, defensive posturing. Watch for warnings of shock, heavy sweating, shivering, tears, shaking, drop in temperature in extremities all are warnings.
What can happen when we listen is: we have the chance to re-feel the wonderous feelings of lust, surrender, love and oneness that we all seek. M.K.
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